[`kook]

I'd like to start by apologizing, I think girl advice threads are more often than not retarded. That being said, I'm at my wits end.

I'd also like to preface that I'm an adult, not a 14 year old. I don't think this situation is the end all be all of my life and maybe we can avoid the "show her your dick, that'll work" type responses


Just to give an image, this girl and I are very close and have been for years. She's 18, I'm 20. She's very sweet, she isn't a skank or an idiot else I wouldn't be involved. She's got a good heart.

So I've known her since she was a freshman in high school and I was a junior. Now she's a freshman in college and I'm a junior. We've liked each other for years but we never said anything to each other. A big reason I didn't was because she had had a boyfriend for over a year, but a lot of her friends always said she always talked about me and said it was obvious she like me so I kissed her and told her I had feelings for her a couple months ago.


She was ecstatic, she told me she has always liked me and has been waiting for me to kiss her for years. Needless to say her boyfriend and her broke up a couple days later when she told him. I would feel bad but he was a bad person anyways, she found out later he was cheating on her.


The thing is, she was moving away to a college 3 hours from mine. I asked her what we were, and she said she didn't want to label it until after she had been at school a few weeks and felt things out. So we spent the last week together before she moved and tried doing the long distance thing. I visited her 3 weeks in to school because my family has a house 20 minutes from her university. The first night there she told me she didn't want to be together. I obviously got upset and asked why, she said "It's not that I don't want to be with you, I just don't want to be with anyone". So we spent the rest of the weekend together, which was amazing and sadly said our goodbyes.


At that point I prepared myself for the fact that I needed to move on. Thing is, she still tells me she likes me all the time, and that she misses me and wants me to visit. This is very confusing. I asked her a few days ago what she expected me to do. Am I supposed to wait and hope one day she comes around? I told her I was fine with waiting if she had future intentions but I can't wait forever. I told her I didn't like feeling like I was having a carrot dangled in front of my face and at some point I have to move forward. She got upset and said "I don't know what you want me to say. I never thought we didn't have something. I've always liked you. I've always wanted to be with you. I don't understand why you think differently". So I never really got an answer out of her.


Now, for a big list of reasons I've lost all my friends since I started college and I've been dealing with crushing loneliness for about 2 years. This has made me developed fairly bad social anxiety. Long story short, I'm by myself almost every day outside of class. Due to that, most days I sit in my room, watching my phone, hoping to get a text or call (which come some days and don't others) from her and it quite literally is driving me crazy. Since I don't get out much, talking to her to what sets the tone for my day. If we don't talk at all I get very depressed


So here's the deal. This girl, I understand completely that she's a college freshman and doesn't want to be tied down even though she has feelings for me, but at some point I have to move on. I'm transferring to a university next semester (from my current junior college) where I intend to meet people. Do I wait for her to come around (if she ever does) or do I try to move on? and if so how long before I try to find someone else? I'm just extremely confused about this. On one hand she could not want to date at all and she doesn't want to tell me and hurt me, or I go try to find someone else and when I do I realize she did want something and I end up hurting her.

This post has been edited by `kook: 31 October 2012 - 10:46 PM

[bigx]

Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks...

[`kook]

I will definitely take that into consideration

[TK-421]

Move on, she's not going to come around. If she tells you she doesn't want to be with you, and then keeps asking why you're not with her, there obviously aren't enough electrons floating around in her brain to rub together and make a spark. Ask random people where the good parties are, try to hang out in places where other people are, meet new people, make new friends. You're not going to make friends by being alone in your room, that just makes you the weird guy everybody talks about behind your back, but nobody wants to be friends with. It's best to just move on and forget about her. She's dangling a carrot in front of you because girls think it's cooler when they're freshman dating upper classmen, or have upper classmen chasing after them. You're basically upping her status symbol at college, and that's why she still dangles the carrot in front of you. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she is chasing after a few other guys at her school behind your back. College changes people, it's why it's rare for highschool sweethearts to go to college and remain together, unless they go to the same college. But even then it's still rare. It's just something you're going to have to deal with, one of the ups and downs of life. But I'm sure you can eventually make some new friends, you just have to quit worrying about her, give her the cold shoulder. If you start ignoring her, and cut all ties with her, and she wants you, she'll start chasing after you, instead of you chasing her.

[canscom]

If you swing and miss the next one might be a homerun

[`kook]

TK-421, on 31 October 2012 - 10:52 PM, said:

you just have to quit worrying about her, give her the cold shoulder. If you start ignoring her, and cut all ties with her, and she wants you, she'll start chasing after you, instead of you chasing her.

I disagree with a lot of your post, but it's just because I know her well enough to disagree with it (about like social status and stuff), but I really think this may be the best advice. I feel like I'm forcing myself into her life so I can convince myself I'm a part of it and keep from a broken heart. Maybe stepping back for a while is the best decision, as much as it sucks

[TK-421]

`kook, on 31 October 2012 - 11:39 PM, said:

TK-421, on 31 October 2012 - 10:52 PM, said:

you just have to quit worrying about her, give her the cold shoulder. If you start ignoring her, and cut all ties with her, and she wants you, she'll start chasing after you, instead of you chasing her.

I disagree with a lot of your post, but it's just because I know her well enough to disagree with it (about like social status and stuff), but I really think this may be the best advice. I feel like I'm forcing myself into her life so I can convince myself I'm a part of it and keep from a broken heart. Maybe stepping back for a while is the best decision, as much as it sucks

I've learned that women always have an ulterior motive of some sort or another, whether they admit it or not. Just gotta figure out the angle she's playing, and see if it's worth it or not.

[WiscoBaller]

Been in a simmilar situation, still in the situation right now. Better to give up and move on, maybe she is waiting for that, and having you talk about hanging out with/dating other girls will make her realize that if she wants you, she needs to make a point of telling you and commit. If not, then she doesn't want you in that way, so you should move on anyways.

Edit: Can't spell :/

This post has been edited by WiscoBaller: 01 November 2012 - 12:01 AM

[Antonious]

I would say give up on the relationship portion, but you should still try to continue to be her friend.
I have several ex-girlfriends that I'm very close with still and couldn't fathom them not being in my life. Contrary to what many people believe, a guy can be friends with a girl. Sure, I still have some feelings for them, but I couldn't just cut them off completely because they don't share the same. It would hurt me, and it would definitely hurt them, of which I would never want.

By giving her the cold shoulder as TK suggested, you're being manipulative. And I don't know about you, but I've tried that in the past and have always felt like an ass for doing so; forcing pain, guilt, and loneliness onto her because she isn't how I want her to be. I'm sorry, but that just seems like a very dick move in my opinion.

She has her own personal feelings because she is her own person. See her as such and not just possible dating material. Respect her feelings and she will grow to greatly respect you.

This post has been edited by Antonious: 01 November 2012 - 04:18 AM

[`kook]

There's no way I could remove her from my life totally. I've done that to people before and it's the absolute worst feeling.<div><br></div><div>Shortly after making this thread I decided to talk to her. It was going well and then she sent me a screenshot of her phone at 2%, so.. to be continued I guess. I appreciate everyones advice</div>

[rockout918]

I would take TK's advice into serious consideration. I did the long distance college thing. We both went to two different schools and in the end it probably wasn't worth the extra effort. I sacrificed a lot of time with friends and invested it in the relationship instead. I regret that to this day. I don't regret the relationship per se but i regret not keeping my priorities straight.

Don't worry about her. Don't dwell on the situation. Don't brood. Get out there. Make more friends. Make more memories. Experience life. Carpe diem!
You can't do that when you're worrying about trying to win a girl over who is 3 hours away. It's just gonna slowly eat you alive.
If it works then it works. If not... c'est la vie.

edit:
just saw your last post. Good on you, man. Stay the course, but don't force anything if it's not meant to happen. Sorry for the cliche, but let the chips fall where they may.

This post has been edited by rockout918: 01 November 2012 - 03:27 AM

[cockerpunk]

she is keeping you on her hook. backpocketing you. keeping her options open.

solution: keep your options open. don't cold shoulder her, just play it cool. date some other chicks, make sure she knows etc etc etc.

This post has been edited by cockerpunk: 01 November 2012 - 08:32 AM

[LV Backpacker]

Wait, let me get this straight. You are asking for girl advice on the internet? And on a paintball forum at that? You're crazy.

Then again, Cockerpunk did post, so there is some hope if you follow his advice.

[OEFVeteran]

i spent a lot of time in a college town ( no, i wasnt the creepy old dude, i was college aged) working at a local bar... one of the big things i leanred between college and high school is mainly the size of the community... for instance, my high school graduating class had 42 students... there were maybe 300 students in the whole school... then i moved to a college of a coupe thousand students... when you are in high school, the girls know that at some point you will havet o show them the attention they feel they deserve based on their looks and status... yet, in college, most junior and senior college girls understand that if they dont go after what they want, someone else will... yet, freshmen girls still have that high school mentality... this girl knows you have feelings for her, you are her "home town henry"... she clearly has feelings for you, but she also wants to experience the college life.... yet, she knows that you will still give her the attention she wants no matter what... she hasnt learned that in a larger community you can go find what you are looking for elsewhere if you are not getting from her..

so, my advice.... having been in situations like this... you need to present yourself as desirable, and not just for her, for other women as well... if she knows youa re going on dates with other girls, then there is clearly something about you they are desiring, and she will want to know what... even if she has already gone on dates with you, or slept with you or what not, she hasnt seen you being desired by other women, and once she does, her interest will be peaked... and if she really does have feelings for you, she will make it known... she will fight for what she believes is hers... call me crazy, but i have seen it happen more often then not... hell, i had an ex get back in touch with me years after we broke up saying how big of a mistake she made because she heard i was engaged... yet, when i was single, not a word from her... it wasnt until she knew that another woman wanted me that she wanted back in... now, and i saying to completely ignor her? no, if you like her, treat her like a friend, but dont give her the attention she wants outside of the friendship... focus that attention on girls at your school... and yes, let her know you are going out on a date or two... there is nothing wrong with playing more then one potential hand in a game of cards... dont focus on the par or aces when you could get a straight...

[TK-421]

OEFVeteran, on 02 November 2012 - 01:30 AM, said:

( no, i wasnt the creepy old dude, i was college aged)

Don't believe everything he tells you, he's always been the creepy old dude.

[OEFVeteran]

TK-421, on 02 November 2012 - 01:38 AM, said:

OEFVeteran, on 02 November 2012 - 01:30 AM, said:

( no, i wasnt the creepy old dude, i was college aged)

Don't believe everything he tells you, he's always been the creepy old dude.

so, i did an extra year of high school... and maybe i was the oldest freshmen in my class... maybe i could buy booze before all my classmates... fuck you, i was not the creepy old dude....

[TK-421]

I wasn't thinking high school years, I was thinking you were the creepy old dude by the time you were six.

Maybe instead of OEFVeteran, we need to change your username to Herbert.

[OEFVeteran]

ah, no... we already have a herbert... and he creeps the chat....

[btu shortie]

See you knew her for too long.. if you been friends with a girl for that long then she would jsut wanna be friends its rarely she would want more then that. Been in this position before and it sucks but once you categorized as a "friend" for a long time its never gonna really work out.. It sucks bro just remember... Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks!

[`kook]

I talked to her last night and basically told her that I'm not going to try and force myself into her life, that if she wants to be together she's going to have to tell me, and that if I see the opportunity to move on that I'm going to take it, I'm not going to wait around


She actually took it really well and said how much she liked me and that she understood. I've become decent friends with her roommates and they've told me in separate conversations that she isn't lying when she says she really does have strong feelings for me. So.. we'll see how this goes