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Cluster fuck in my mind


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#1 OLpb2416

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 01:43 AM

Good morning, afternoon, or evening, depending on when you read this rant. This probably won't make a lot of sense to you folks since it's late but I need to vent and maybe it will help my anxiety.


Well let's start out here shall we?

So, I'm just a normal guy living a normal life or so it would seem. There's a lot of things that people ( friends family ) don't know about me, since I'm a quiet person and don't really like to talk about what goes on in my cluster fuck of a brain. A couple things before I go on, my dad died in 02, I was 6. Not an easy thing to handle for a 6 year old I know and i got through it but it haunts me to this day. ( keep that in mind ) I have trouble sleeping when I'm stressed out about something that's going on in that point in my life. When I can't sleep I begin to think, which is not a good thing because it leads to anxiety, depression, and emotional distress. This all adds up and then I get thoughts of "why me" "why couldn't this of happened to someone else." (directed towards the death of my dad) Then I keep thinking. My life would be so much better if I was dead, why can't I be dead. That is all bullshit. Suicide is a terrilbe thing I fucking know that but what pisses me off is that my mind fucks with me telling me it's fine, do it, it's an easy way out. Am I suicidal? No. Mentally unstable? plausible.

I have a great fucking life. I have many close friends and a girl who will soon be my girlfriend and everything is fine. Yet what I don't understand is that why these thoughts always come back. They really knock me down a couple pegs and somedays will be fine and somedays I'll be down in the dirt not able to come up. Maybe I am just overthinking this situation and need to take a "chill pill" also known as the "shut the fuck up I'm trying to think pill." ( I'm thinking that at this point, you as the reader don't understand anything I've said and I apologize I'll try to edit this tomorrow with a clear mind.) So Tech Pb I bid you a farewell.

TL;DR: Fuck off dingleberry

P.S. I feel a lot better after this.


NOTE TO ANY MOD THAT READS THIS: If I in anyway broke a forum rule during this rant please lock it, give me warn, do what you have to do. Just needed to vent and get my head straight.
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#2 kingJurzy

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 01:54 AM

I love the TL;DR.

I am a student to student counselor, and by no means the best, but you might need to vent to a person that is close to you. This is obviously bothering you greatly, and there is something you can't get past.

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#3 paintballer4ever

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 02:28 AM

Why not try and talk to the girl thats close to you? You will be able to vent with someone you obviously care about and conversations like that lead to stronger and closer relationships. Either way good luck man and suicide is never the option, don't ever be convinced of that.

#4 ShadowZero

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 02:31 AM

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#5 iKickYellow

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 03:46 AM

Think about seeing a councelor if you are thinking about suicide, if its not that serious your just thinking too much because everyone thinks about it.

#6 Kurtis180

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 06:05 AM

You just described alot of the feelings ive had
lately, try talking to a close friend it helped me alot and ive always had bad anxiety problems.
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#7 Blade of grass

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 07:28 AM

Your rant did make sense.

But I have to say man, you might want to have a conversation with someone close (your girl, or family members) because as its obviously bugging you, it's taking a tole on your life.

I know I'm assuming, but because of the rant, and how you stated that your having problems sleeping, you might even want to go a step further and see a psychologist.

And I know, how most people don't want to see a psychologist, but when my father had a heart attack (3-4 years ago, I had just turned 10 or 11) I said I didn't want to talk to anyone, especially not a psychologist. But my mon, (as intelligent as she is) got my talking to my "dads doctor" about stuff (she really was a psychologist) and I felt better at the end.

But really, suicide is that one taboo place in your mind m, and sometimes you may wander their, but just remember, it's taboo!

TL;DR: talk with close people, maybe see a psychologist because it helps. Suicide = taboo.

Edited by Blade of grass, 08 July 2012 - 07:29 AM.

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#8 OLpb2416

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 10:59 AM

Thanks guys I really appreciate the responses you guys are really helping me our. But about talking about to someone I can't do that. The fear of being judged or looked down upon or looked at differently is too great. I can't even have a serious conversation with my family for more than 3 minutes at time. Maybe I should see a shrink maybe I can actually open up to him/her.
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#9 OneManArmy

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 01:16 PM

I read the rant and i understand completely. Im going to have to agree with everyone else about talking about whats been going on. Many times it hurts worse than it helps when you don't talk about it. You arent alone, sometimes when i feel like an absolute piece of shit i let my mind wander off to how easy it would be just to commit suicide. Suicide is never the option. Keep strong buddy, there is a lot of people that care about you.

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#10 badpenny

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 04:34 PM

Life is too short to have deal with the depression and anxiety these thoughts are creating for you. If you don't want to talk to a professional, I suggest you get in the habit of "redirecting" these thoughts when they pop up. Once your mind starts racing, it will start leading you down these dark corners. So when that voice in your head starts suggesting how unfair the world is that you lost your dad...don't try to rationalize it. Instead, think about all the good times you had with him. Acknowledge the fact that you miss him, but remember the lessons he taught you. Be grateful for the time you got to spend with him. Think about what would make him proud as you move forward in life. Look forward to things on the horizon (college, relationships, becoming the person you want to be). It's really ok to be sad, but this should not haunt you forever. It will get better. Thinking about these things instead of the usual thoughts may feel like going against the current at first; it will take effort. But our brains are surprisingly malleable, and if you can keep this up, then every time you think of your dad it will be associated with good things and a positive future. I think that's something to shoot for, don't you?

Many high schools have support groups that meet for students who have lost a family member; if this is offered at your school, I suggest you try it out. You don't even have to say anything; just hearing that other people are going through the same thing will probably help you. Alternately, you can probably find online support forums as well.

#11 evan15549

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Posted 08 July 2012 - 07:05 PM

I haven't fully read many of the comments, but if anyone hasn't mentioned it yet, professional therapists/psychiatrists really do help. They can help with giving you coping skills, give you support, ect. You'd be surprised how many people have struggled with depression. The most important reason thing is to reach out. If you're ever having a bad day, just give someone a call, no one deserves to feel like that.

#12 BopIt

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Posted 09 July 2012 - 09:25 AM

I've been in the same place (I have a very fucked up life But the TL;DR is: Mom was a crackhead, dad left when I was 3, got adopted, Adoption parents divorce, mom got clean, moved in with her.)
So yeah, my life is fucked, I'll never be normal, and believe me, I've thought of kicking the bucket a couple of times, (Yeah, even at 14) but, I can tell you one thing. IT ALWAYS GETS BETTER.
I am also very resistant to counseling, my adoption parents tried to get me a counselor, but that kind of shit didnt work for me. I just had to make a conscious choice: live life to the fullest. Go out there, be confident, talk to people, because being the quiet one is the worst, being drowned in your thoughts, I do it all the time. But I just got to remember that tommorow I'll make it the best day ever. somehow, someway, make life awesome.

That's all I've got. I've been in your position, I know how tough it is,But you just have to drown those thoughts out with good ones, make life happy, live with no regrets. Hope this helps man.

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#13 OLpb2416

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Posted 09 July 2012 - 10:46 PM

I have to thank you guys a lot I feel a lot better from listening to your advice. Thank you all.


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#14 OneManArmy

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 11:56 AM

No problem friend!
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#15 chi-townSniper

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Posted 10 July 2012 - 11:58 PM

Theres always someone you can talk to about any problems you have. You just have to know who that person is.

#16 YoungGun32

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Posted 11 July 2012 - 02:43 AM

Whatever you do don't talk to the future gf about your problems. The last thing a female wants in a relationship is someone who constantly has problems and bringing this up right off the start is a no go.





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