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How to work Retail.


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#1 Wolfwood

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 08:35 AM

For some of you, Retail jobs are the first stepping stone in your career, quite a few of you may start out shilling over-priced televisions and computers and then fucking your customer right in the eye socket with warranties that fix jack-fucking-shit and software that nobody after the Reagan administration would ever use.

So, to prepare you for your firsts steps to becoming a responsible adult, I am proud to bring you another "Wolfwood's How to suck at life. A How-To Guide"

First, find a company that reflects your personal tastes and preference and also has opportunity to grow.*

*If you're a hipster, just apply to any Apple Store, Urban Outfitters, Indie Music/Coffee Shop, Underground Clubs, Hipster Glasses Co, ect

Once you realize that advice is full of cat piss and rainbows, find any company that's hiring a job that a dead person can do slightly better, and apply.
Assuming you get hired (You probably won't, because you're terrible at everything, but just roll with it) Make sure to put your best face forward, here are a few Guidelines to help you get started.

Don't Bathe
This is important, make the entire experience awful for everyone involved, Co-workers will hate you and customers will think someone literally shat you out, bonus points for wearing dirty, stained clothing.

Talk Down to the Customer
Make sure all your advice is condescending, remember, extra points for pretending you know jack shit and try to get the customer to buy something far inferior, such as telling myself to buy a circa 2005 AMD CPU instead of a Intel i7, you fucking cow.

Hate what you do.
Always complain to everyone you ever see about how much your job sucks, loudly.
If you have a family, complain that you shouldn't have to work an easy do-nothing job who's only requirement is that you have a pulse, if you have friends, which is unlikely, bitch about how you have no time left anymore, get punched in the face by your former friends.

Just walk away.
When dealing with a customer who just won't go away, just leave, just say "Oh, I'll go grab that" and never return, just go in the back and take a nap, fuck that guy, not like he's dieing for a new motherboard or that woman's kid isn't in a hurry to get a new car seat, just put it in the glove box, it'll be fine.

Quit after three months.
When you quit after three months because you're a worthless saucer of goat urine who can't handle people, make it a big deal, like you broke away from "The Man" and currently flipping off the establishment, because you don't need a job! You have your parents!

Ha! No, seriously, they don't love you, your ass is going to be homeless.

BONUS RANT.

I have seen far to many "Comedians" that just try to hard to be someone else, you may not know this, but I fucking love comedy clubs, but for the past six or seven months, everyone is trying to be...

A George Carlin.
B Louis C.K
C Shit

I'm not going to go in to the "Be yourself kids, and everyone will like you!" speech, but seriously, most of them don't directly steal jokes, but they basically rip off the entire act.

I've seen about 4 guys try to be like George Carlin, they joke about how the Government hates you, how the establishment is designed to jab a needle in to your urethra, and sprinkle jokes about it throughout.

And I've seen well over 10 people rip off Louis Family-Themed crude humor, they'll tell a story about how their child shat in to the schools ventilation system and started WWIII, or how their wife decapitated the baby-sitter because women, amirite?

Seriously, I'm not saying you have to do something NO ONE else has done, although it wouldn't hurt, make up your own routine and stop trying to grasp at what's popular.

Except Dane Cook, fuck that guy, seriously, if you have the power, ruin his career, I hate his stupid homely face, it's crooked and looks like he head-butted a belt sander.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE.

As a (probable) final statement on parenting, I'm just going to say this.

Fuck it.

This has been debated to death for fucking years, it's tired, I'm tired, everyone is tired, fuck all this shit, ruin your kid however you like, use the TV as a baby-sitter, don't use a car-seat, put it in a cage, have baby cage-fights, I just don't care anymore, I'm so sick and tired of debating this, because it's not worth it.

There are about four topics you can't discuss with people, Parenting is number four, you can't, if you don't have children you "Don't Understand" if you do "My child is different/unique"

No, fuck you, fuck your kid, your child isn't "Unique" unless by "Unique" you mean "Jams crayons up it's nose" then yes, your child is Unique, in a sense that it's much stupider then other children.
I don't know, maybe your child won't become a complete fuck up like some other children this generation, it's unlikely, but I don't care, keep it away from my kin, and feed it popcorn kernels, I just don't care.

I Quit your "Debate" you can have it.

#2 kingJurzy

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 09:04 AM

first

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#3 XxJellyFilledxX

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 09:10 AM

First.

Damn ninjas.

Edited by XxJellyFilledxX, 25 October 2012 - 09:10 AM.

"You can't break a man the way you break a dog or a horse. The harder you beat a man, the taller he stands. To break a man's will, to break his spirit, you have to break his mind."

 


#4 AMcNett47

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 09:11 AM

this was fucking incredible

#5 Nobben #44

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 09:16 AM

Wow, you actually have several sentences in the same paragraph now. :rolleyes:

#6 `kook

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 10:15 AM

Retail workers are freaking weirdos. That's all I have to say about that.


As for comedians, yea, a lot of them try to ride on the coattails of someone else. You'll notice that Louis C.K. puts a TON of effort and thought into his act, people who try to impersonate it aren't as good or funny because they aren't putting in that effort, they're trying to replicate it.

I feel bad for people impersonating Carlin, I don't think he's funny at all, but his style is way too unique to replicate without it being painfully obvious. By "style" I mean "I'm going to force my opinions on you like no tomorrow and hide it behind a few B- Jokes"

Edited by `kook, 25 October 2012 - 10:18 AM.

It's all about the game and how you play it, All about control and if you can take it
All about your debt and if you can pay it, It's all about pain and who's gonna make it

#7 Wolfwood

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 03:56 PM

Retail workers are freaking weirdos. That's all I have to say about that.


As for comedians, yea, a lot of them try to ride on the coattails of someone else. You'll notice that Louis C.K. puts a TON of effort and thought into his act, people who try to impersonate it aren't as good or funny because they aren't putting in that effort, they're trying to replicate it.

I feel bad for people impersonating Carlin, I don't think he's funny at all, but his style is way too unique to replicate without it being painfully obvious. By "style" I mean "I'm going to force my opinions on you like no tomorrow and hide it behind a few B- Jokes"


I agree, everyone praises Carlin as the "Be-all-end-all" of comedy, he's good, yeah, but the biggest thing is just how likeable he is, if he didn't have his charm, he wouldn't have been as popular.

Louis C.K has that same thing, he has the perfect mix of Charm, Charisma and likeability, even in his worst acts, you can't help but love him.

#8 Octopus Prime

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 04:10 PM

Always respect everybody at retail and food and be overly courteous. Some of them are weird ya but a lot of them just put up with the general population on a daily basis which is awful.

#9 pb=life

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 05:04 PM

Wow, you actually have several sentences in the same paragraph now. :rolleyes:



#10 tallsmallboy44

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 05:52 PM

Working any mediocre-minimum-wagepaying-job sucks.

fuck yolo
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#11 SWOballer

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 06:16 PM

Working any mediocre-minimum-wagepaying-job sucks.



Yeah, and full time career jobs that pay slightly better are a JOY!
Cake Bakers United!

#12 Antonious

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 08:19 PM


Working any mediocre-minimum-wagepaying-job sucks.

Yeah, and full time career jobs that pay slightly better are a JOY!

Imagine being required by federal law to stay in that job for 4-6 years.

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#13 tallsmallboy44

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 08:41 PM



Working any mediocre-minimum-wagepaying-job sucks.

Yeah, and full time career jobs that pay slightly better are a JOY!

Imagine being required by federal law to stay in that job for 4-6 years.

The joys of the military... :P

fuck yolo
#carpediem

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#14 TheGuy

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Posted 25 October 2012 - 09:02 PM

Just walk away.
When dealing with a customer who just won't go away, just leave, just say "Oh, I'll go grab that" and never return, just go in the back and take a nap, fuck that guy, not like he's dieing for a new motherboard or that woman's kid isn't in a hurry to get a new car seat, just put it in the glove box, it'll be fine.



I lol'd
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