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#1 bigx

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 03:46 PM

Well for those of you who are not too familiar with Massachusetts I live in an area known as the "North Shore" Essentially everything along the coast up to New Hampshire. This area is historically famous for its nautical heritage. Cities such as Salem who's seaport was at one point the busiest in the world, Beverly which is considered to be the Birthplace of  Washington's Navy, Gloucester which is to this day a busy fisherman's port with "Gorton's Fishery" still active and distributing those awesome sauce fish sticks. It seems like I cant go anywhere without running into a "Fried Clams or Lobster Roll Shack."

Needless to say no matter where I go I can not avoid the ocean...
 

This is not a problem for most people but for me it begins to cause a plethora of issues.

 

First: It fucking smells so bad at low tide, decay, salty clay, shellfish and death. Its a stench that can not be aptly described by those who are not familiar with it. 

 

Second: I detest swimming, I have never been the strongest swimmer and being in a large body of water for any extended period of time is not something I look forward to.

 

Third: I am allergic to lobster, crab, and all those crustaceans. They turn my stomach into a liquid fiery hell factory I shit out bloody diesel fuel covered in aids for a period of a day or two and every cocksucker and his brother want to go out and get a lobstah roll. 

 

Fourth: Fuck the beach, its covered in sand, sand gets everywhere and ruins everything and if its not sand its littred with assholes who think they are "Beach Bums."

 

Fifth: "Beach Bums" honestly do you people even fucking work. You sit on the sand drinking all day and tan. Get a fucking job they think they are so elitist and entitled oh "Im going to the beach today.

Sixth: A problem but not always. Bathing suits, sometimes you see some nasty shit that you should burn with a jet engine, other times you are pleasantly graced with a female with a very appealing figure.

 

Seventh: Salt water it's fucking nasty, so many dead things floating around in there, so much garbage and filth I cant believe anyone wants to swim in the ocean also the Atlantic is fucking cold as balls all the time. 

 

Eighth: Seagulls are like rats with wings, they fly around eating everything and pooping on anything they dont, they screech and annoy the shit out of you just as much as the "beach bums" do.

 

Ninth: Fuck going to the beach, you have to drive there, pay to park find a parking spot lug your shit out find a spot in the sand while a million other people are doing the same thing. Then when you come home everything is covered in sand and nasty and you gotta clean it after you spend an entire day doing something not at all productive.
 

Tenth: I hate the rich elitist fucks with their big ass 50 foot boats who go up and start blasting music right off shore. You do not own the ocean motherfucker turn it down or I will doggie paddle my shit  out there and fuck up your day.

 

Last: Its always hot as balls. I fucking hate the heat.

 

Solution, move somewhere with no beach where its always mild and comfortable. Also don't eat crustaceans they fuck up my day.


Edited by bigx, 01 August 2013 - 07:27 PM.

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#2 Rhino1909

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 03:58 PM

Ok

#3 bigx

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 04:11 PM

Ok

 

You are getting it!!!


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#4 Antonious

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 04:48 PM

I grew up either in the mountains or in the desert and have only visited the ocean once that I can remember.

After reading this, I'm kinda glad I never lived there.


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#5 kingJurzy

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 04:52 PM

Not that bad here in SF.


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#6 bigx

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 04:57 PM

I grew up either in the mountains or in the desert and have only visited the ocean once that I can remember.

After reading this, I'm kinda glad I never lived there.

 

I spent my entire life here and I hate it to its core. I cant escape it.

 

Not that bad here in SF.

 

Never been to the west coast, maybe it is that different. Either way I want to move somewhere cold and landlocked. 


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#7 Ultimatefinn

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 05:06 PM

I feel you. I live on the south shore and have to deal with it even more because my family always goes on my boat or goes down to Plymouth
This is exactly what marketing guns has come down too. a dick waving contest. You can say all the stuff you want but until you whip it out wave it around and prove it to the world everyone will doubt you. -bigx

#8 bigx

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 05:12 PM

I feel you. I live on the south shore and have to deal with it even more because my family always goes on my boat or goes down to Plymouth

 

My family has a boat to. I have been on it with them all of 2 times. 


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#9 A&MBaller

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 05:39 PM

lol silly coastal areas. Nothing bad about Texas except for fat people, and giant insects.



#10 imnothim

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 07:11 PM

1: Rants seems to be getting epic lately.

2: "Fuck the beach, it's covered in sand" is the funniest thing I've read in a while.



#11 bigx

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 07:24 PM

Honestly my hatred for the beach is almost as bad as the hatred between Israel and Palestine. 


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#12 awesompants

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 07:45 PM

Everything I hated about living in Hawaii. And yet when I try to explain all this, people still don't understand and ask "dood, y u no surf all day?" Fuck the beach..


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#13 bigx

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 07:51 PM

Everything I hated about living in Hawaii. And yet when I try to explain all this, people still don't understand and ask "dood, y u no surf all day?" Fuck the beach..

 

My friend, I am not alone. I am not broken. I feel like I belong. 


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#14 gibbeepbroxzor

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 08:18 PM

I've never been to an ocean beach before... People think it's weird, cause that's where everyone goes for vacation around here. I've not spent much time in water so I'm not a very good swimmer which is kind of a bummer for me cause I'd love to go to a pool or lake. It's kinda a let down when friends or my girlfriend wanna go to the lake or to a pool or something and I can't really go. I haven't owned swimming trunks since i was like 10... I could totally understand not wanting to live there though, knowing the types that go to the beach often, I wouldn't want to be around them either lol



#15 HeroForADay

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 08:18 PM

Come to the mountains, I'll teach you to Ski/Board and pick up snowbunnies, BRAH.



#16 Empire Alan

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 08:46 PM

I grew up either in the mountains or in the desert and have only visited the ocean once that I can remember.
After reading this, I'm kinda glad I never lived there.

 
I spent my entire life here and I hate it to its core. I cant escape it.
 

Not that bad here in SF.

 
Never been to the west coast, maybe it is that different. Either way I want to move somewhere cold and landlocked.
the west coast is much nicer, also if you want somewhere cold and landlocked I suggest Winnipeg, Manitoba. This is a very nice freezing cold place in the middle of Canada!

Come to the mountains, I'll teach you to Ski/Board and pick up snowbunnies, BRAH.

What are the mountains like in Calgary? We got some firkin epic ones on the coast.

#17 AoSpades

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 01:48 AM

I love the beach

 

and ocean

 

and water sports

 

I'm also a great swimmer

 

spearfishing is my lifeblood

 

I love sushi and most other fish, calamari is the shit as well.

 

I like my music loud

 

I killed a seagull with my flipflop after it stole my bag of chips

 

I also love the heat. Heat > cold always.

 

Diving is also fun, ever had abalone? Shit's delicious and it's a 7 a day limit on those giant ass shellfish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think you should move.


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#18 bigx

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 05:39 AM

Come to the mountains, I'll teach you to Ski/Board and pick up snowbunnies, BRAH.


I shall take you up on that.

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#19 TheDyeingEmpirePlanet

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 10:46 AM

Just move to Texas! Then you will be begging the sun to go behind a cloud for a few minutes while you put all of your stuff back in the car and move back to where there is actually water :P. We have a drought and its hot as fuck. Dont complain about actually having water :(.

EDIT: I realized that last part sounded a little serious. I was joking. And I live in north Texas, not by any lakes or anything.

Edited by TheDyeingEmpirePlanet, 02 August 2013 - 10:50 AM.

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#20 The Bacon Man

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 10:47 AM

I live not too far away from the beach and I can confirm that ocean water smells like death and swamp ass.

#21 TheDyeingEmpirePlanet

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 10:51 AM

lol silly coastal areas. Nothing bad about Texas except for fat people, and giant insects.

False.

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#22 Antonious

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 11:29 AM

lol silly coastal areas. Nothing bad about Texas except for fat people, and giant insects.

And pretty much the entire area between El Paso and Dallas.


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#23 A&MBaller

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 11:54 AM

 

lol silly coastal areas. Nothing bad about Texas except for fat people, and giant insects.

And pretty much the entire area between El Paso and Dallas.

 

wat?



#24 Antonious

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 12:11 PM

 

 

lol silly coastal areas. Nothing bad about Texas except for fat people, and giant insects.

And pretty much the entire area between El Paso and Dallas.

 

wat?

 

Seriously, Abilene and Wichita Falls are quite possibly the AIDS-infected testicles of Satan.


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#25 A&MBaller

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 12:19 PM

welp I'm not sure what to say about that...



#26 Antonious

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 12:23 PM

As much as I hate it up here in South Dakota, I damn well don't want to go back to Dyess or Sheppard.


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#27 A&MBaller

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 12:35 PM

Fort Hood 4 lyfe. Obviously you wouldn't be stationed there, but that's the area I live in, and met some kewl paintbullet players in the army.



#28 Praetorian

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 01:13 PM

Come to Wyoming, I will show you how interesting watching paint dry and Cars rust really can be.



#29 Antonious

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 01:25 PM

Come to Wyoming, I will show you how interesting watching paint dry and Cars rust really can be.

Wyoming's a relaxing drive when I go down to Colorado, but I certainly don't intend on stopping unless I really need to (usually a quick fill-up and piss in Lusk is my extent).

There's a reason it's the least populated state in the union.


Edited by Antonious, 02 August 2013 - 01:26 PM.

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#30 bigx

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Posted 02 August 2013 - 11:08 PM

Come to Wyoming, I will show you how interesting watching paint dry and Cars rust really can be.

 

Wait people live there?


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#31 cavemag

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Posted 03 August 2013 - 02:32 AM

Come to Idaho. I promise you won't be assaulted with potatos.


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#32 bigx

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Posted 03 August 2013 - 09:56 AM

You do realize that you are inviting someone who might end up destorying the fragile makeup of your communities into your home state. Massholes are like a plague.


Edited by bigx, 03 August 2013 - 11:19 AM.

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#33 slinkyaroo

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Posted 03 August 2013 - 11:09 AM

When you're older you'll miss the ocean. The smell and atmosphere. Visit a place like Colorado in the winter. The dryness is overcoming to water people.

#34 bigx

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Posted 03 August 2013 - 11:20 AM

I have always hated it. My family owned a beach house that we would spend summers at, hell they even have a boat. I never liked going anywhere near it. 


"I'm the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you."

 

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#35 Orange Chicken

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Posted 05 August 2013 - 09:26 AM

I love the beach. And the smell of seafood. I lived in the Philippines as a child, and then moved to San Diego. I love seafood, and I love the sand on the beache, and swimming, though you couldn't exactly swim in those waters in California.
I miss all of that now that I'm in Arizona.

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#36 Pyeuwnie

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Posted 11 August 2013 - 11:05 AM

Well I'm the exact opposite. I love the beach and etc. Come live in Canada.and I hate the cold .-. I'd rather sweat like hell

#37 OEFVeteran

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Posted 11 August 2013 - 12:00 PM

move to NH... its a better state anyway


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#38 nickp

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Posted 11 August 2013 - 10:47 PM

move to NH... its a better state anyway

Just try to avoid nashua, manchester, and concord. Its okay to work in those places but fuck no you don't want to live in those areas.

 

Also don't come to maine, we have no jobs and too many old people unless you live on the coast.


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#39 TinyBear

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Posted 11 August 2013 - 11:12 PM

1st world problems much LOL.

 

Personally I am a big fan of the water And enjoy Swimming and Camping near the fresh water beaches round here.

 


Edited by TinyBear, 13 August 2013 - 12:01 PM.

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#40 OEFVeteran

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Posted 12 August 2013 - 01:24 AM

 

move to NH... its a better state anyway

Just try to avoid nashua, manchester, and concord. Its okay to work in those places but fuck no you don't want to live in those areas.

 

Also don't come to maine, we have no jobs and too many old people unless you live on the coast.

 

 

whats wrong with concord? i grew up... love it there... beautiful little main street community... manchester, nashua and keene all need to be avoided... but concord is a fine place to live, if you can afford it


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#41 TheGuy

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Posted 12 August 2013 - 01:32 AM

I live near lake erie. Not within smell/hear of it but everytime i am near it the thing smells so bad and is so dirty. You cant even eat fish outta that bitch unless you are a few miles off the shore in the lake,


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#42 tallsmallboy44

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Posted 12 August 2013 - 11:13 AM

I wouldn't eat anything out of lake Erie. That lake is so fucking nasty.

fuck yolo
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#43 nickp

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 10:43 AM

 

 

move to NH... its a better state anyway

Just try to avoid nashua, manchester, and concord. Its okay to work in those places but fuck no you don't want to live in those areas.

 

Also don't come to maine, we have no jobs and too many old people unless you live on the coast.

 

 

whats wrong with concord? i grew up... love it there... beautiful little main street community... manchester, nashua and keene all need to be avoided... but concord is a fine place to live, if you can afford it

 

there are rough sections of concord but if I could live in new hampshire again it woild be inbetween concord and tilton or possibly outside of conway. Grew up in nashua and lived in berlin nh for a bit. I have hopped around the state quite a bit.


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#44 Rotozip2

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 10:55 AM

Come to the midwest. You will change your mind.

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#45 OEFVeteran

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 11:34 AM

rough sections of concord? LMAO......


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#46 Orange Chicken

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 12:47 PM

Come to arizona, and die from the heat

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#47 Antonious

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Posted 13 August 2013 - 04:04 PM

Come to arizona, and die from the heat

That's a dry heat though, just as it was in my home-state of New Mexico.
That's far more tolerable than the humid heat I experienced when I went through Basic in San Antonio from July - September.
That was fucking miserable.


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#48 BraiNfreeZe

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Posted 15 August 2013 - 11:52 AM

The location kinda reminds me of Tampa, except the water is clearer, and warmer. I live sea food, boating , sailing, diving, and fishing but I hate tourists and just going to the beach for the hell if it. If I'm not going to fish boat or swim I just wanna be balling as its a waste if my weekend unless the girl I days wants to go.....also I have family in Maine and its cold as shit. The Atlantic in Florida is still cold as shit. I'm a gulf coast for life.

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#49 bigx

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Posted 15 August 2013 - 08:28 PM

I honestly hate it. I start talking to a girl and its like yea we should totes go out sometime. Shes like yea I love the beach. I legit sit there like fuck this shit. My hatred is so divine that I will give up a prime opportunity to see a good looking girl in a bikini or potential shaggin in order to avoid the beach. I have always preferred the woods to the beach hands down any day of the week. 


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#50 madsnipes

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Posted 16 August 2013 - 06:25 PM

I live near lake erie. Not within smell/hear of it but everytime i am near it the thing smells so bad and is so dirty. You cant even eat fish outta that bitch unless you are a few miles off the shore in the lake,

Perhaps that's because its Lake Erie. Which is basically the Detroit of lakes.






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