So last night I got dumped and I guess this is my sleep deprived way of coping with what just happened. The worst thing is I deserve what happened in every way. You see my last relationship was a friends with benefits sort of thing which to be honest left me feeling pretty pathetic. It is no exaggeration when I say we had sex 3 to 4 times every day, some days alot more. Towards the end I realized I didn't want this to be all it was so I ended it and we both parted ways on fairly good terms. (yes I a 19 year old kid thought I was having too much sex)
anyway so that's where the events leading up to last night begin. after 2 weeks or so of college I meet a girl. She is the dorkiest, sweetest, funniest, most beautiful thing that ever walked into my life. (yeah sappy shit i know but i'm still feeling a bit of shell shock) We hit it off nicely at first, our first conversation lasting 3 hours before we noticed that they were closing the dining center and we had to leave. Since then it has been one of the happiest times of my life and rarely did my face go without a smile.
And this is where my own stupidity begins to get in the way. It began innocently enough kissing then caressing, then I started pressuring her to fool around, now this doesn't mean I forced her to do anything but I feel about as disgusting as if I had. We had obviously talked about sex and all that and she was very on the fence about it. So of course me being the asshole that I am figured I'd do her a favor and convince her to push her limits. It began with just the small stuff, messing around no one gets hurt right? Well of course me being the selfish fucking idiot that I am couldn't be content with this. So i pushed her farther and farther until we were both lying there next to one another, anticipation filling the air and yeah well that happened. after that it all started to fall apart.
at first it all seemed fine. We still laughed together, joked around but i slowly began to notice she was pushing me out. Her smile didn't quiet reach her eyes and she seemed to be closing down, locking me out of what she was feeling. I knew she was going through alot at the time, possible surgery, school wasn't going to well, I just assumed it would pass.
Last night I get a text. I was up in my dorm doing homework and she was wondering if I wanted to hang out in her dorm, on the floor below mine. This was not out of the ordinary so I went down to see what was up. We had been talking about nothing, laughing having a good old time for about a half an hour when out of the blue she drops the bomb. Did I expect it? yes. Right then? not at all. She starts to tell me she just isn't ready for this. That her life has to much going on that she can't control and this is the one thing that she change about her life. she starts crying and tells me she doesn't want to lose me and she doesn't want to hurt me, and she falls into my arms sobbing and all I can do is hold her and tell her it will all turn out ok. That I would do everything with in my power to keep her, but I would never try and make her stay. She keeps telling me shes sorry and I do believe she meant it however I know that this is all on me. we sit there for what must have been 2-3 hours when I get ready to leave. When I get to the door I turn around and look back at her hoping she has it in her to forgive me. Her tear streaked eyes were bagging me to stay and I was frozen there with my hand on the door torn between doing what she needs and being who she needs. This was no easier for her either, tears starting to well up she asks me to tuck her into bed and stay with her until she falls asleep. she has to take medicine for her hip impingement so she was asleep in about 15 minutes. I stayed a little longer until I was sure and then I walked away...
So here I am 10 hours later and no sleep later knowing I fucked up and that I can't fix a single thing